At least once this year I ...

yelled at myself out loud

kept a secret

worn the same socks twice

almost been in a car accident

made my parents proud

done something I'm ashamed of

almost told someone they were an idiot

kept someone out of trouble

puked

really hurt someone's feelings

seen somethign i shouldn't have

layed on a beach in Jamaica

felt like just getting in the car and driving

thought about shaving my head

felt really loved

tried something new

shook my head in disgust

was surprised by someone

should have kept my mouth shut

wanted to beat someone up

doubted my abilities

tried to do something great

considered moving

and

picked up dog poop

Yes, dear.

Right before I got married, a seasoned man pulled me aside to reveal the secret of marriage. i was pleased, of course. Even, eager to learn. He leaned forward, raised his eyebrows and spoke in a raspy old voice. "He said, "Son, there's only one thing you need to know about marriage. And it's easy to remember. Two little words. Just two – 'Yes, dear.'

It's not the sort of advice that you understand immediately. In fact, some never get it. Maybe that's the reason for the fifty percent divorce rate? Regardless, the sooner you hear, understand, embrace and excerise this little piece of wisdom, the better off you'll be. And that's the truth.

So, here's the typical scenario: You're all set for a great day. You'll have coffee and read the paper. You'll meander around a bit before grabbing a shower and beginning the day in earnest. And you've got plans, too. Play some guitar. Do some recording, Futz in the yard, Listen to the ball game. Probably write for a little bit. Go for a bike ride. Wash the car. Take some photographs. Look for a motorcycle. Write some more. Finish off some stuff for work. Maybe watch a DVD. Fall asleep to some bad weekend B movie. Plus, it's beautiful outside. It's gonna be a good day.

And then it happens.

The wife casually mentions that we have company coming in and we're going to have to clean up around here. Your stomach sinks a little. Your mind starts racing. What's coming next. What does she have in mind? Are we talking major cleaning here? Or, just a little touch-up? And then you learn your fate. Your stomach sinks all the way to the bottom as she pulls out a folded piece of paper and reaches for her organizer..

The list is not pretty. It includes such things as vacuuming, dusting, moving things, cleaning the dog slobber off the glass patio window, fiixing whatever's wrong with the upstairs sink, and the distinct possibility that you might have to paint something. And that's just the stuff you remember. You easily missed half of it, trying to diguise your horror.

So, what do you do? What do you say? "Yes, dear." This simple and easy to remember phrase provides men with the three crucial elements needed to formulate their response:

1) Silence - This allows you some quiet to just stop and think for five seconds.
2) Time - This gives a chance to come up with some reasons why you can't do what's been asked of you.
3) A Head Start - This provide you the opportunity to get a lead, if in the event you decided to proceed to step number 2 in the first place.

You're kidding me.

I think today might have been the day when I officially became old. I've thought that I might be getting close for a while now, but I wasn't for sure. I've also considered the possibility that I might still have a few good years left. But today I think I may have made the transition. Or at least qualified.

Today I got a letter from Social Security. Yeah, that Social Security. And it wasn't some form letter informing every American citizen of some new change in the system or something. It was more like a comprehensive overview of what the hell I've been doing for the last quarter of a century. And what that amounts to. No joke.

According to their records, I've been putting money into the system for about two-thirds of my life. It detailed how much I contributed each and every year since I began working in some capacity. It even tells me how much I would collect at various ages of retirement. That, and how much my dependents might collect if I die.

It's make a person feel good to know that all their years working as a parking attendant, bus boy, pizza maker, dj, mechanic, reporter, photo assistant, musician, copywriter, etc., etc., have amounted to something.

But that feeling goes away pretty fast when you realize just how little it actually amounts to.

Thanks, Mom.

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
- Mark Twain

Dogs

I had one of those moments today. You know what I'm talking about.

I looked down at my dog, Marley. He looked back up at me. And we just knew what the other was thinking. What a great friend. Of course, my dog also technically french-kissed me this morning when I bent down to kiss him on the nose.

So you never really can tell.

No, it's not all about me.

"I want to talk to you again for a little while...even though i have hardly anything helpful to say — hardly anything useful."
-Rilke
Letters To A Young Poet